4 Ways to Make Friends: Breaking Barriers and Opening Doors

Nobody likes me; everybody hates me. I think I’ll just eat worms…

Or perhaps it resonates more as, "Nobody knows me; I think I’ll just stay home." I wasn’t exactly an outcast growing up, but I also wasn’t among the popular kids. My home life was anything but normative. We were a blended household, with two young parents trying to navigate the complexities of family life. Amid societal pressures, there was an unspoken expectation to present a picture-perfect existence—a "white picket fence" ideal. 

I share this because our childhood experiences can linger, often subconsciously, shaping the core values and rules that guide us. Regardless of your upbringing, we all absorbed lessons from the adults around us, transforming those into core beliefs that can run deep within us. These beliefs aren’t consciously chosen; they often develop in response to adversity, shaping our habits as protective measures. A great exploration on how our childhood attachment plays into our here & now can be found in the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. This book explores how our early experiences shape our relationships and emotional connections in adulthood.

Reflecting on my own story, this narrative fostered a belief that if my life wasn’t perfect, I couldn’t let others in. While I’ve made strides in combating the perfectionist mindset—sometimes fully embracing my “hot mess” friend persona—the latter part of that belief still presents challenges for me. It can make showing up for myself and creating space for others feel daunting.

As Brené Brown might say, this tendency is part of my “armor.” Have you thought about your own pieces of armor? If so, let’s explore how we can move beyond these barriers together.

Step One: Identify What’s Holding You Back

What’s holding you back? Think about the "armor" you wear daily that protects you but also creates distance between you and others. While this armor serves a purpose, does it feel too heavy? Can you imagine letting it down, even just for a moment?

Step Two: Embrace Opposite Action

When discomfort creeps in, I remind myself that the threat is often just a perception. For instance, I feel anxious approaching another stressed parent, worrying about misreading the situation or offending them. But instead of shying away, I push through. Inspired by Dr. Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, I practice what she calls “opposite action.” I’ll say, “Hello! Want to take a walk with me?” Even if that walk doesn’t happen, I create space for connection or teach my body that taking risks can be safe.

Remember, you’re not committing to anything serious—if it doesn’t feel right, that’s okay! Just like we encourage our kids, celebrate your effort. You were brave! If the vibe isn’t there, kindly acknowledge it and try again with someone else.

Step Three: Be Vulnerable!

Relationships thrive on mutual connection. Even a small act—like holding the door open and smiling—elicits a response. Your anxiety might unintentionally send a message, but you’re still engaging. In an ideal world, we’d all feel safe sharing our fears. Vulnerability can be our greatest strength! I recently had a heartfelt moment with my child’s kindergarten teacher. I introduced myself by saying, “Hi, I’m Megan. You might find me a bit quirky, but I promise I’m helpful and fun once you get to know me.” This simple act of vulnerability created a safe space, reducing misunderstandings and opening the door to genuine connection.

Step Four: Show Up, Show Up, and Open the Door

I encourage you to try reaching out to others 3-4 times. As busy parents, we know that friendship often requires multiple attempts as circumstances change. Keep showing up and leave that invitation open! Regardless of the outcome, we can create a safe space for others to ask for help. Isn’t that what we all desire? To feel secure and create a welcoming environment for our families?

We don’t have to become best friends overnight; that can come later. It’s essential to show up and open the door. If you’ve invited someone to five activities without a response, it’s natural to feel weary. But remember, vulnerability is key. Showing up often means taking that leap and opening the door, even when it feels heavy. You are strong enough to do it. Who has invited you out recently? Did you reciprocate that bid for connection?

This isn’t the end of our conversation. I don’t promise that these ideas will transform your life, but isn’t it worth considering them? If you’re interested in further readings or videos, check out the references below. Keep in mind that I draw on concepts flexibly; they don’t always need to apply strictly to their original contexts. For example, insights from The Whole Brain Child have enriched my marriage, while Gottman’s principles have enhanced my friendships. The tools we gather from various sources can be relevant across all our relationships.

Be Well.

Megan Rowe

Megan Rowe Counseling

If you want to explore more here are superheroes I like to follow!

Levine, A., & Heller, Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love.

Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection.

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Siegel, Daniel J., and Tina Payne Bryson. The Whole-Brain Child.