When Babies Change a Marriage: Understanding the Postpartum Relationship Shift

I’m a fairly introspective person, and I’d be lying if I said my own journey hasn’t influenced where I choose to lean in. I try to stay daily aware of this in my professional life, but I also believe that seeing professionals as human beings is incredibly healthy. When other professionals take the time to figure out their own stuff, it makes me want to lean in with them.

So, let’s talk about the impact of babies on marriage. Marriage is hard. Becoming parents is mind-blowing. Relearning the person you chose (who suddenly isn’t quite the same) can feel ruthless. I think my partner and I could both agree on that.

In honor of my recent anniversary and the work I do with new parents and those seeking to get and stay married, I feel there’s a gap we need to name. To prepare and to repair, I want to talk about the normal changes that occur when babies come into the picture. The Gottman Institute reports that about 67% of couples experience a decline in relationship satisfaction after the birth of their first child (The Gottman Institute, n.d.). In my practice, I can’t tell you how often individuals come in during that window, 12 to 24 months postpartum, navigating the possible end of a relationship that once felt certain.

In marriage, it’s easy to make promises and have expectations, spoken or unspoken, when we truly don’t yet know what we don’t know. When we agree to marry someone, it’s usually at a point when we feel like we really know them. Discoveries at that stage rarely surprise us; they make sense. We might even assume we can guess what kind of parent they’ll be based on how they treat others. But what we can’t predict, and I cannot emphasize this enough, is who someone becomes in the throes of postpartum.

That’s why I love the terms matrescence and patrescence. They describe the process of becoming a parent. A physical, emotional, and social transformation which can easily be compared to the drastic changed experience as adolescence to flight into the hormonal and social shifts into adulthood. Our brains, bodies, and identities shift to make room for caregiving, connection, and survival in a new role. Postpartum isn’t just a single hormonal response in our bodies, and it impacts non-birthing parents too. Everything changes.

Over time, who we were and who we are integrate. Most people begin to find a rhythm that blends to two and what feels disjointed, once again feels whole. Or so we hope. We’re never the same, but the good parts we miss about ourselves (and our partners) often return. Still, being married and that cognitive dissonance (discomfort with our change of behavior) of postpartum is hard. This is especially true when parents are navigating more than just the baby blues. 

Postpartum mood disorders can extend the timeline of that integration and often require more support than most couples expect to need.

So how do we make it better?

Recognize and label the feelings.

Recognize and talk about the changes in each other.

Recognize and accept that seasons change.

This isn’t forever. And have a plan.

The season you’re in while finding your parenting groove can feel endless and heavy, but it will shift. Be kind, and ask for kindness. It’s okay to rest in the friendship of your relationship for a while. And if you can, be preemptive. Not because the plan will always work, but because knowing how to create one together matters.

Small Things That Make a Big Difference

Notice the bids (a Gottman term for thinking about requests for connection or attention as bids). Pay attention to small moments of reaching — a sigh, a question, a touch. Those are bids for connection. Turn toward them when you can.

Check in daily. Even five minutes to ask, “How are you holding up?” creates space for honesty before resentment builds. This isn’t a time to review the daily or weekly task list. Just lean in to who you are doing life with.

Assume good intent. Exhaustion can make even kind people sound sharp. Pause before reacting. If you are confused by the meaning behind an action, ask from a place of curiosity.

Revisit roles often. Ask what’s working, what isn’t, and what each of you needs right now. If you cannot hold all the things between the two of you, explore together who else can help.

Celebrate small wins. A simple “thank you” or “I see you trying” goes a long way in hard seasons.

Try professional support. Before using the “D” word or deciding it’s over for good, consider whether a professional could help you work through the hard parts , individually or together. Sometimes having a neutral space can make all the difference in understanding what’s really happening beneath the surface.

A Final Thought

If you’re in this season, give yourself permission to make mistakes, get it wrong and repair. The goal isn’t to return to who you were before parenthood, but to grow together into who you’re becoming now. For better or for worse, when we choose kindness in the hard seasons it opens the doors to rediscovery during the growing seasons.

Important Footnote: This article is written with the intention of supporting couples navigating the normal challenges of parenthood and connection in relationships absent of intimate partner violence. The thoughts and strategies shared assume a foundation of emotional and physical safety. If there is fear, control, or harm in your relationship, please reach out for individualized support. These tools are meant for healing, not survival or fixing something that isn’t yours to fix.

Citation

The Gottman Institute. (n.d.). Research and statistics on couples and parenthood. Retrieved October 20, 2025, from https://www.gottman.com

Books I remember reading (listened too) postpartum that help refrain how I viewed my marriage during a really tough time:

To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma — Molly Millwood, Ph.D.

The Power of Showing Up — Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson (Designed for parents, but honestly I have found Daniel Siegel's & Tina Payne Bryson's material interchangeable in relationships)

The Relationship Cure — John Gottman & Joan DeClaire