Dealing with Difficult Holiday Conversations: The Power of ‘Passing the Peas’

Do you remember your first “pass the peas” moment?

I vividly recall returning home from college after my first semester. There were elephants in the room—unspoken tensions that everyone was aware of but remained glaringly silent. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know this is not a dance I navigate gracefully.

I clearly remember a moment at the Thanksgiving table when one of my younger siblings dangled a carrot of controversy, putting me directly in the hot seat. With candor and directness—and very little practice in setting boundaries—I distinctly remember my response: I literally requested that “the peas be passed” in a silent prayer for distraction. I’m not even sure there were peas on the table.

For those of you reading this and still a little confused about the euphemism "pass the peas," please note that this term is commonly used in American English to describe the act of politely avoiding or skimming over a controversial topic at the dinner table. It's a way of diverting attention or sidestepping uncomfortable conversations by focusing on something more neutral—like passing food around—rather than addressing the underlying tension directly.

Holidays and Family Stress

Holidays often bring stress to families and their systems. Thanksgiving, which some see as a "safer" holiday without the financial strain of gifts, still isn’t immune to the growing tensions we’ve all felt over the past decade. Even the comfort of the Thanksgiving table can feel uneasy.

My Encouragement for Your Holiday Table

Here’s my urge for your holiday table this year: approach it with curiosity, respect, kindness—and a readiness to “pass the peas” when conversations derail.

In my work with couples and families, I’ve seen the stickiest conflicts often boil down to miscommunication and a lack of curiosity. So, what is good communication? Is it always positive? Neutral? Polite?

Not exactly. Good communication is clear, intentional, and rooted in connection. It fosters curiosity, respect, and a willingness to pause when things go sideways. Here are some key elements that can help smooth over even the trickiest discussions:

Key Elements of Good Communication:

• Lead with Curiosity:Genuine curiosity disarms defensiveness. When we ask questions to understand—not to argue or persuade—we invite connection. Curiosity doesn’t mean you’ll agree with someone; it means you're open to hearing them.

• Set Boundaries with Grace:If certain topics are too loaded or painful, it’s okay to set a boundary. “For the sake of the relationship, let’s skip ABC for today.” If it comes up, gently redirect—“pass the peas.”

• Get Creative with Connection:A shared joke or ritual can transform tense moments. For example, what if spilling the “peas” led to a fun, lighthearted family game? These small actions can shift dynamics and create positive memories.

• Remember the Bigger Picture:If you’re at the table, odds are you’ll share many more meals together in the years to come. Let one meal be a moment of peace and connection—even if it means leaving certain discussions for another time. Passing the peas only works in spaces where there is a shared commitment to safety and respect, even amid differing views.

A Note on Safety

These ideas are not meant to diminish the very real pain or safety concerns some may face during the holidays. If your situation feels unsafe or irreparable, know that it’s okay to do something different this year. Seek help if you need it—you don’t have to face these challenges alone. There are resources and people ready to support you.

Final Thoughts

I believe effective communication is the foundation of almost everything. When clients express that something feels “off” in their lives, I often explore whether they feel truly heard or misunderstood. Many of my clients seek growth in communication as they strive to strengthen their connections with others. Below, I’ve shared some of my favorite reads to help enhance connection through the power of communication.

I hope you find joy and peace this holiday season. Thanksgiving can hold different meanings for many people. For me, it’s a time of reflection and gratitude—for those who have stood behind, beside, and respectfully in front of us. It’s a moment to acknowledge the fact that we are here, and to appreciate the positive efforts we’ve made for ourselves and our loved ones. I am thankful for you. I am thankful that you are here.

Be Well.

Megan Rowe, M.Ed., LPC

Reads worth the explore

Scott, Kim. Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity.

Bolton, Robert. People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts.

Gladwell, Malcolm. Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About the People We Don’t Know.

Bradberry, Travis, and Jean Greaves. Emotional Intelligence 2.0.

Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts.

Faber, Adele, and Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Thich Nhat Hanh. The Art of Communicating.

Patterson, Kerry, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.