You Don’t Have to Be Thankful: Navigating the Holiday Guilt Spiral as a Mom

I was about 12 weeks pregnant with my second kiddo, hiding in my car the night before Thanksgiving, eating a spicy Chick-fil-A sandwich in total silence. The world still felt like it was holding its breath, somewhere between lockdown and “back to normal” and family expectations felt pressured, fragile, and joyful all at once.

I hardly had an appetite during that pregnancy. My husband was still working from home, my curious two-year-old was into everything, and we were stumbling through early parenthood in a new city where we hardly knew anyone. So when I volunteered to run out (maybe we needed a can of beans… or maybe I said we needed coffee), I took the escape willingly. I grabbed the only food I could reliably keep down (besides a bánh mì), parked in the crowded Target lot, and ate my spicy sandwich alone.

And I cried. Not a cute cry (I am not that kind of girl). One of those quiet, hot-faced, overwhelmed cries while muttering at the chaos in the parking lot: 

“Come on people… you don’t need anything that badly. Go home.”

Now, I can look back and smile. But if someone had laughed, questioned, or minimized my meltdown in that moment? I’d probably still hold a grudge.

Pregnancy, postpartum depression and anxiety hit differently during the holidays. The pressure to “do all the things,” look a certain way, show up to everything, and keep tiny humans alive creates a sort of body-memory stress that sneaks up on us every year.

Every year I think about that night and feel nostalgic. But then I see a mama who is in it, and it all comes rushing back. The panic, the loneliness, and the fear that I might not make it through the event without damaging my ego or someone else’s.

If that’s you this year… let’s talk.

A Gentle Nod to the Moms Holding Different Holidays This Year

Before I go any further, I want to hold space for the mamas who are walking through holidays that look nothing like they imagined or anything I’ve painted above. The ones navigating IVF cycles, waiting and hoping, grieving a pregnancy, or carrying the weight of loss. This season can feel especially sharp, tender, or hollow. If that’s you, I see you. Your experience is real, it matters, and you are not forgotten in the rush of holiday noise or the pressure to “be thankful.” You, too, don’t have to feel thankful right now and that is more than okay. This is a season for you as well, and it will pass. This does not define you.

Overcoming the Holiday Guilt Spiral (for Moms + Parents)

(A few grounding tools to help you get through this season with more gentleness.)

1. Name It to Tame It

Call the feeling what it is, then add something true and neutral:

 “I’m telling myself I should be able to do more… and that doesn’t make it true. I’m doing my best this year.”

2. Swap “Should” for “Capacity”

Your capacity in this season is not a character flaw. It is just a season in life.

 “My capacity is small this year, and that’s okay.”

3. Grounding Statements (yes, from my own closet moments)

The ones I’ve whispered while hiding in dark corners at family gatherings:

“I can step away.”“I am allowed to rest.”“Nothing is wrong with me.”

4. Anchor to Your Actual Values

Ask yourself:

Does this matter to me? Does this support the way I’m trying to live? Is this sustainable for my season?

5. The “Don’t talk to my friend that way” Check

If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, don't say it to yourself.

A Gentle Closing

You don’t owe anyone the “holiday version” of yourself. You owe yourself (and your babies, if you need that anchor) gentleness, honesty, and the right to show up exactly as you are in this season.

-Megan Rowe